I bought flowers today, what a normal, everyday life simple
action it is. I realized that it had
been years since the last time I bought flowers. I went home and place them on
a vase in the living room. I became very emotional while looking at them, thinking how I had forgotten how much I liked
flowers, realizing that it had been
years since I've done anything spontaneous for myself and how I haven’t allowed myself time to simply enjoy
simple things in life.
Since my HIV diagnosis on October 1992, I have been fighting
to survive. I have not allowed myself to relax, to take a break from it all. My
thoughts, my energy have all been focused on spiritual, emotional health in
order to better deal with the physical health. I am tired of trying for all
these years to find the strength to deal with it all, some days I just don’t
have it.
I get tired of the medications, the constant pain and discomfort of my
liver, the waiting for a new protocol that may, or may not, “cured” my Hep-C. When
did all of these thinks become my life? It’s hard to remember what life was
like before it all started.
But today I bought some flowers, also this evening I listen to
poetry being read in the plaza near my apartment, it all made me realized that
if I allow the simple things back in my life, it makes it easier to deal with
it all. As of today I will buy flowers every week for myself, maybe I’ll start
going to the beach again, which is something I haven’t done in a few years
either. I need to break away from the isolation that I have created for my own
safety and protection. I’m still very much alive and I think I have forgotten
that.
