Today,
November 11, 2014, I’m 21 years sober, I have begun to understand what emotional
maturity is about. I have learned so many lessons during these years, mainly
that my reactions have everything to do with my life choices today. I have
learned acceptance, gratefulness, humility and I need and want more of all of
those things. I’m alive and fully conscious of my process and the wonderful
road ahead with many more miracles to discover. I’m grateful for all the
challenges past and future for they have and will make me a stronger man. My
goal is to continue to be present and conscious throughout my life through the
end and continue to learn from each and every experience ahead. Fear which was
for a long time my driving force is slowly vanishing and losing its strength,
Love and Acceptance taking over. Thanks to my family, friends, God, Buddha,
Universe, Energy and members of the different 12 Steps support groups I have
attended, without all of you today will just be another day.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
I BOUGHT FLOWERS TODAY
I bought flowers today, what a normal, everyday life simple
action it is. I realized that it had
been years since the last time I bought flowers. I went home and place them on
a vase in the living room. I became very emotional while looking at them, thinking how I had forgotten how much I liked
flowers, realizing that it had been
years since I've done anything spontaneous for myself and how I haven’t allowed myself time to simply enjoy
simple things in life.
Since my HIV diagnosis on October 1992, I have been fighting
to survive. I have not allowed myself to relax, to take a break from it all. My
thoughts, my energy have all been focused on spiritual, emotional health in
order to better deal with the physical health. I am tired of trying for all
these years to find the strength to deal with it all, some days I just don’t
have it.
I get tired of the medications, the constant pain and discomfort of my
liver, the waiting for a new protocol that may, or may not, “cured” my Hep-C. When
did all of these thinks become my life? It’s hard to remember what life was
like before it all started.
But today I bought some flowers, also this evening I listen to
poetry being read in the plaza near my apartment, it all made me realized that
if I allow the simple things back in my life, it makes it easier to deal with
it all. As of today I will buy flowers every week for myself, maybe I’ll start
going to the beach again, which is something I haven’t done in a few years
either. I need to break away from the isolation that I have created for my own
safety and protection. I’m still very much alive and I think I have forgotten
that.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
ALTERNATIVES
A blog entry “ALTERNATIVES”
Alternative
noun
: something that can be chosen instead of something else : a choice or option
Full Definition of ALTERNATIVE
1
a : a proposition or situation offering a choice between two or more things only one of which may be chosen
b : an opportunity for deciding between two or more courses or propositions
2
a : one of two or more things, courses, or propositions to be chosen
b : something which can be chosen instead <the only alternative to intervention>
August 6, 2014
Since February 15, 2013, and up to this morning I had been battling with “Alternatives” related to my life and health, three to be exact:
A) Stay the course and learn to deal, as I have for the past several years with discomfort or pain (depending on the day), caused by the damage to my liver by Hepatitis C, diagnosed on 2003, and the medications for my HIV/AIDS, since I was diagnosed on October 21, 1992.
B) Move to northern Mexico to follow a homeopathic treatment for my HIV and Hepatitis C, stopping all medications as I did last April 15, 2014 out of frustration and fear, after being notified on February 15, that the chemotherapy with Interferon, Ribavirin and a protocol medication had not worked.
C) Accept life in life terms, (some days I’m just too tired physically to move on), stop all treatment, enjoy each day as much as possible in sobriety and live until I could no longer be self –sufficient or handled the discomfort.
A few weeks back during my last Dr. appointment I was expressing the above “alternatives” with him and to my surprise he suggested one more, “Call this number they may be able to help”.
I made the call and went to the appointment this morning with all my latest test results and with a BIG LOAD of HOPE! I was told that there are new medications not available to the public yet and that within a couple of months, (in spite of my low T-Cell Count) I can start a treatment that has a 90 to 95% chance of working in controlling the HEP C.
Today nothing has changed, except that I was offered a new “alternative” with HOPES of making my life and liver as closed to normal as once was, regain my energy and health and continue to learn from life. The fact that I have nothing, absolutely nothing to lose makes things much more manageable.
I’m grateful for my sobriety (November 11, 1993) without it, my choice of “alternatives” would not exist, I would not be alive. I’m grateful for my life, for teaching me the many lessons that have made me who I am today. The word “fear” is so much more insignificant than it has ever been. I’m beginning to understand more clearly what t is to live free of fear of life and death, to express my opinions and share MY TRUTH, without the concern of being rejected. I have wasted so much precious time thinking about others perception of me, when in reality it has had no effect on the outcome of my life today.
The freedom of being honest with myself and others is one of the most important gifts I have received from life. The word “Alternative” has taken a new meaning as well, after a long telephone conversation with a good friend last night. Enough of my random thoughts.
Blessings to all!
Alejandro
Alternative
noun
: something that can be chosen instead of something else : a choice or option
Full Definition of ALTERNATIVE
1
a : a proposition or situation offering a choice between two or more things only one of which may be chosen
b : an opportunity for deciding between two or more courses or propositions
2
a : one of two or more things, courses, or propositions to be chosen
b : something which can be chosen instead <the only alternative to intervention>
August 6, 2014
Since February 15, 2013, and up to this morning I had been battling with “Alternatives” related to my life and health, three to be exact:
A) Stay the course and learn to deal, as I have for the past several years with discomfort or pain (depending on the day), caused by the damage to my liver by Hepatitis C, diagnosed on 2003, and the medications for my HIV/AIDS, since I was diagnosed on October 21, 1992.
B) Move to northern Mexico to follow a homeopathic treatment for my HIV and Hepatitis C, stopping all medications as I did last April 15, 2014 out of frustration and fear, after being notified on February 15, that the chemotherapy with Interferon, Ribavirin and a protocol medication had not worked.
C) Accept life in life terms, (some days I’m just too tired physically to move on), stop all treatment, enjoy each day as much as possible in sobriety and live until I could no longer be self –sufficient or handled the discomfort.
A few weeks back during my last Dr. appointment I was expressing the above “alternatives” with him and to my surprise he suggested one more, “Call this number they may be able to help”.
I made the call and went to the appointment this morning with all my latest test results and with a BIG LOAD of HOPE! I was told that there are new medications not available to the public yet and that within a couple of months, (in spite of my low T-Cell Count) I can start a treatment that has a 90 to 95% chance of working in controlling the HEP C.
Today nothing has changed, except that I was offered a new “alternative” with HOPES of making my life and liver as closed to normal as once was, regain my energy and health and continue to learn from life. The fact that I have nothing, absolutely nothing to lose makes things much more manageable.
I’m grateful for my sobriety (November 11, 1993) without it, my choice of “alternatives” would not exist, I would not be alive. I’m grateful for my life, for teaching me the many lessons that have made me who I am today. The word “fear” is so much more insignificant than it has ever been. I’m beginning to understand more clearly what t is to live free of fear of life and death, to express my opinions and share MY TRUTH, without the concern of being rejected. I have wasted so much precious time thinking about others perception of me, when in reality it has had no effect on the outcome of my life today.
The freedom of being honest with myself and others is one of the most important gifts I have received from life. The word “Alternative” has taken a new meaning as well, after a long telephone conversation with a good friend last night. Enough of my random thoughts.
Blessings to all!
Alejandro
Friday, August 1, 2014
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