11/11/93 - 11/11/17

24 YEARS OF SOBRIETY

Today I'm grateful, conscious and in awe of what this journey has gifted me.

It has been a time of lessons some which I never thought I endure.

Because of the ability to choose through a clear

mind I continue to embrace Change,

Acceptance and remain open

To what my journey

Presents.

11/11/93 - 11/11/17

24 AÑOS DE SOBRIEDAD

Hoy me siento agradecido, consciente y maravillado de lo que este viaje

me ha regalado. Ha sido un tiempo de lecciones, algunas que no

pense podria sobrellevar. Por la habilidad de escoger al

tener mi mente clara, continúo abierto al Cambio,

Aceptación y me mantengo abierto

a lo que el camino me

presente.

24 años celebrando la vida ... Hasta que la muerte nos separe!

 21 de octubre, en esta fecha en 1992 en Houston, TX., me informaron que era VIH +, seguido de un abrazo de mi médico, después de un momento nos sentamos,  él procedió a decirme que debería poner mi vida en orden ya que mi prospecto de vida era de dos a tres años. Me informo que el único medicamento disponible aunque muy tóxico,  era el AZT, mis células T eran 664, y me dio mi primera receta con instrucciones de empezar a tomarla lo antes posible. Fui a mi carro, me senté y empecé a llorar.

 Recuerdo sentir un absoluto e  inmenso vacío, sólo veía las imágenes de mis  amigos y ex pareja que estaban pasando por lo mismo, y los rostros de los que habían empezado el tratamiento y  su deterioro rápido de salud, los que hace un año a seis meses anteriores estaban bien y ahora estaban en una cama de hospital esperando la muerte o y habían fallecido. La forma en que fueron rechazados por  sus familias y, en algunos casos, sus familias no nos permitían a "los amigos homosexuales"  visitarlos o ir a sus funerales.

 En realidad la noticia como tal, no me sorprendió, dado a la realidad de mi vida,  me había mudado a Nueva York en 1980, y luego a Los Ángeles en 1981 y Houston 1983 y era un joven en el mejor momento de su vida, que trabaja para una aerolínea, viajaba y disfrutaba la vida a lo máximo.

Lo que me asustó más fueron las imágenes, el sufrimiento, el estigma, el rechazo, mi familia y cómo iba a manejar mi vida de este momento en adelante, ¿cuánto tiempo realmente me quedaba de vida?  Salí del estacionamiento mi coche y me fui a buscar mi receta lleno de mucho miedo.

Una semana después de empezar a tomar AZT en dosis fuertes, me encontré tirado en la cama, sintiéndome  horrible, no podía retener alimentos,  no tenía la fuerza para levantarme y no podía ir a trabajar.  De vuelta en mi cabeza volvieron todas las imágenes  y todo lo que podía pensar era en los amigos y las historias de muchos  que al igual que yo estaban sanos un día y después de tomar el AZT su salud comenzaba  a deteriorarse y morían.  En ese momento decidí  dejar de tomar el  medicamento.  A los pocos días me empecé a sentirme mejor, la fuerza estaba regresando y ya era capaz de reanudar mi vida.

Volví a mi doctor con el medicamento y le dije que no lo iba a tomar más, su respuesta fue: "Si no vas a seguir mis instrucciones no puedo ser responsable de su salud y no puedes ser mi paciente" Le di las gracias y salí de su oficina. Creo firmemente que ese momento, esa decisión, me salvó la vida. Hoy en día, 24 años después estoy muy agradecido por esa decisión. Ha sido un viaje increíble de Felicidad,  tristeza,  Alegría, dolor, frustración,  Aceptación,  Sobriedad, enfermedad y Salud ..... hasta que la muerte nos separe!

24 years celebrating life...Till death do us apart!

October 21, 2016

On this date 1992, in Houston, TX, I was told I was HIV +, followed by a hug from my doctor, after a moment we sat down and he proceeded to tell me that I should think of getting my affairs in order since my life expectancy was two to three years. He told me the only medication available was AZT, my T-Cells were 664,  and  handed me my first prescription and that I should start taking it as soon as possible.

I went to my car, sat and started crying, I remember feeling an immense void of absolutely nothing, only images of my ex partner and friends that had already died or the ones that where in treatment and their quick decline in health, how well they looked one year to six months prior and now were dead or in a hospital bed waiting to die. How they were shunned from their families, how in some cases their families would not allowed us "the gay friends" to visit or go to their funerals

The actual news did not surprise me, it would have been a shock not be positive given the fact that I had moved to New York in 1980, then to Los Angeles in 1981 and Houston 1983 and was a young gay man having the time of his life, working for an airline and travelling.

What scared me the most were the images, the suffering, the stigma, the rejection, my family and how all that was going to unfold in my life now, how much time do I really have? I started my car and went to get my prescription filled with a lot of fear.

A week after I started taking AZT in large dosis, there I was, in bed feeling horrible, couldn't hold food down, I didn't have the strength to get up, couldn't go to work. Something snapped in my head all the images returned and all I could think about was of all the men I knew that like myself were healthy one day and after taking AZT their health started to decline and at that moment I stopped taking AZT.  Within a few days I started feeling better, strength was returning and I was able to resume my life.

I went back to my doctor with the prescription and told him what had happened, his reply was "If you are not going to follow my directions I can't be responsible for your health and you cannot be my patient" I told thank you and left his office. I strongly believe that moment, that decision, saved my life.

Today, 24 years later I am extremely grateful for that decision. It has been an incredible journey of happiness, sadness, joy, pain, frustration, acceptance, sobriety, sickness and health.....till death do us apart!

24 years celebrating life...Till death do us apart!

October 21, 2016

On this date 1992, in Houston, TX, I was told I was HIV +, followed by a hug from my doctor, after a moment we sat down and he proceeded to tell me that I should think of getting my affairs in order since my life expectancy was two to three years. He told me the only medication available was AZT, my T-Cells were 664,  and  handed me my first prescription and that I should start taking it as soon as possible.

I went to my car, sat and started crying, I remember feeling an immense void of absolutely nothing, only images of my ex partner and friends that had already died or the ones that where in treatment and their quick decline in health, how well they looked one year to six months prior and now were dead or in a hospital bed waiting to die. How they were shunned from their families, how in some cases their families would not allowed us "the gay friends" to visit or go to their funerals

The actual news did not surprise me, it would have been a shock not be positive given the fact that I had moved to New York in 1980, then to Los Angeles in 1981 and Houston 1983 and was a young gay man having the time of his life, working for an airline and travelling.

What scared me the most were the images, the suffering, the stigma, the rejection, my family and how all that was going to unfold in my life now, how much time do I really have? I started my car and went to get my prescription filled with a lot of fear.

A week after I started taking AZT in large dosis, there I was, in bed feeling horrible, couldn't hold food down, I didn't have the strength to get up, couldn't go to work. Something snapped in my head, all the images returned and all I could think about was of all the men I knew that like myself were healthy one day and after taking AZT their health started to decline, at that moment I stopped taking AZT.  Within a few days I started feeling better, strength was returning and I was able to resume my life.

I went back to my doctor with the prescription and told him what had happened, his reply was "If you are not going to follow my directions I can't be responsible for your health and you cannot be my patient" I told him, thank you and left his office. I strongly believe that moment, that decision, saved my life.

Today, 24 years later I am extremely grateful for that decision. It has been an incredible journey of happiness, sadness, joy, pain, frustration, acceptance, sobriety, sickness and health.....till death do us apart!

September 29, 2016

Status Update on my HVC, this is what I shared with my support groups, when I got home from my doctors appointment. Needless to say I'm grateful beyond any expectations.

Hello group, I want to share some good news!
After 13 years of being diagnosed with Hep-C , two treatments, first one, a protocol on 2012, with Interferon, Ribavirin and Sovaldi (before approval) and the last one with Harvoni, which I started on Dec 29, 2015 and ended on June 14, I finally received my 36 week test results and I’M FREE of the Hep-C virus. It was a great relieve to hear my Dr. say “you are cured” and I’m forever grateful. I still have to deal with a compensated Cirrhotic Liver (F4) and the pain and discomfort associated with it, but it is something that I have learned to cope with, one the other hand the Fibro Scan showed the Liver Stiffness Score at 24.2, down from 32.4 from a year ago. 

I’m undetectable on my HIV labs and my T-cells are 229, it has taken over 8 years to get them above 200, I believe they will continue to go up now that my immune system is fighting one less virus. So I am extremely grateful for all the results to my Higher Power, life, my soon to be 23 years of sobriety and this group. Aside from my introduction last year, I never said much about my health and I wanted to share this with HIV Long Term Survivors and HIV 50 + Strong and Healthy and other groups. Reading everyone’s postings have given the strength and willingness to keep on. THANK YOU AND BLESSINGS TO ALL!

011: Religión vs Espiritualidad

011: Religión vs Espiritualidad

21 years Sober

Today, November 11, 2014, I’m 21 years sober, I have begun to understand what emotional maturity is about. I have learned so many lessons during these years, mainly that my reactions have everything to do with my life choices today. I have learned acceptance, gratefulness, humility and I need and want more of all of those things. I’m alive and fully conscious of my process and the wonderful road ahead with many more miracles to discover. I’m grateful for all the challenges past and future for they have and will make me a stronger man. My goal is to continue to be present and conscious throughout my life through the end and continue to learn from each and every experience ahead. Fear which was for a long time my driving force is slowly vanishing and losing its strength, Love and Acceptance taking over. Thanks to my family, friends, God, Buddha, Universe, Energy and members of the different 12 Steps support groups I have attended, without all of you today will just be another day.

I BOUGHT FLOWERS TODAY

I bought flowers today, what a normal, everyday life simple action it is.  I realized that it had been years since the last time I bought flowers. I went home and place them on a vase in the living room. I became very emotional while looking at them,  thinking how I had forgotten how much I liked flowers, realizing  that it had been years since I've done anything spontaneous for myself and how  I haven’t allowed myself time to simply enjoy simple things in life.

Since my HIV diagnosis on October 1992, I have been fighting to survive. I have not allowed myself to relax, to take a break from it all. My thoughts, my energy have all been focused on spiritual, emotional health in order to better deal with the physical health. I am tired of trying for all these years to find the strength to deal with it all, some days I just don’t have it.

 I get tired of the medications, the constant pain and discomfort of my liver, the waiting for a new protocol that may, or may not, “cured” my Hep-C. When did all of these thinks become my life? It’s hard to remember what life was like before it all started.

But today I bought some flowers, also this evening I listen to poetry being read in the plaza near my apartment, it all made me realized that if I allow the simple things back in my life, it makes it easier to deal with it all. As of today I will buy flowers every week for myself, maybe I’ll start going to the beach again, which is something I haven’t done in a few years either. I need to break away from the isolation that I have created for my own safety and protection. I’m still very much alive and I think I have forgotten that.

ALTERNATIVES

A blog entry “ALTERNATIVES”
Alternative
noun
: something that can be chosen instead of something else : a choice or option
Full Definition of ALTERNATIVE
1
a :  a proposition or situation offering a choice between two or more things only one of which may be chosen
b :  an opportunity for deciding between two or more courses or propositions
2
a :  one of two or more things, courses, or propositions to be chosen
b :  something which can be chosen instead <the only alternative to intervention>

August 6, 2014

Since February 15, 2013, and up to this morning I had been battling with “Alternatives” related to my life and health, three to be exact:

A) Stay the course and learn to deal, as I have for the past several years with discomfort or pain (depending on the day), caused by the damage to my liver by Hepatitis C, diagnosed on 2003, and the medications for my HIV/AIDS, since I was diagnosed on October 21, 1992.

B) Move to northern Mexico to follow a homeopathic treatment for my HIV and Hepatitis C, stopping all medications as I did last April 15, 2014 out of frustration and fear, after being notified on February 15, that the chemotherapy with Interferon, Ribavirin and a protocol medication had not worked.

C) Accept life in life terms, (some days I’m just too tired physically to move on), stop all treatment, enjoy each day as much as possible in sobriety and live until I could no longer be self –sufficient or handled the discomfort.

A few weeks back during my last Dr. appointment I was expressing the above “alternatives” with him and to my surprise he suggested one more, “Call this number they may be able to help”.

I made the call and went to the appointment this morning with all my latest test results and with a BIG LOAD of HOPE! I was told that there are new medications not available to the public yet and that within a couple of months, (in spite of my low T-Cell Count) I can start a treatment that has a 90 to 95% chance of working in controlling the HEP C.

Today nothing has changed, except that I was offered a new “alternative” with HOPES of making my life and liver as closed to normal as once was, regain my energy and health and continue to learn from life. The fact that I have nothing, absolutely nothing to lose makes things much more manageable.

I’m grateful for my sobriety (November 11, 1993) without it, my choice of “alternatives” would not exist, I would not be alive. I’m grateful for my life, for teaching me the many lessons that have made me who I am today. The word “fear” is so much more insignificant than it has ever been.  I’m beginning to understand more clearly what t is to live free of fear of life and death, to express my opinions and share MY TRUTH, without the concern of being rejected. I have wasted so much precious time thinking about others perception of me, when in reality it has had no effect on the outcome of my life today.

The freedom of being honest with myself and others is one of the most important gifts I have received from life. The word “Alternative” has taken a new meaning as well, after a long telephone conversation with a good friend last night. Enough of my random thoughts.

Blessings to all!
Alejandro

His Story - Aundaray Guess

I can relate so much to "His Story"



His Story - Aundaray Guess

Shared a post - "POZ magazine's June 2014, 20th anniversary..." - alsantiber@gmail.com - Gmail

Shared a post - "POZ magazine's June 2014, 20th anniversary..." - alsantiber@gmail.com - Gmail

2do vid blog ESP

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Esperanza, Fe y el Regalo de Vida

Mi primer video sobre mi experiencia de vida como hombre gay, sobreviviente de abuso, adición, VIH/sida, Hepatitis-C, depresión, suicidio, pero lo más importante ESPERANZA - FE Y EL REGALO DE VIDA!

Es algo que he pensado hacer por un tiempo con miedo, ansiedad y esperanza. Sé que esto me va a ayudar a sanar mi mente, cuerpo y Alma, espero que al menos alguien más se pueda identificar y realizar que hay esperanzas para seguir adelante a pesar de los retos en la vida. Abrazos

Hope, Survival, Faith and the Gift of LIFE!

My first video about my life experience has a gay man, abuse surivor, addiction, HIV/Aids, Hepatitis C, Depression, Suicide, but most important Hope - Survival - Faith - and the Gift Of Life!

This is something I have wanted to do for a while with some fear, anxiety and hope. I strongly feel it will help heal my mind, body and soul, I wish that at least one other human being out there can identify and realize that there is hope to go on, in spite of life challenges. Hugs!